another night sat round this table
conversation as stale as the leftovers
unspoken disappointment resonates
24 hour headaches won't go away
brains won't stop thinking


you coulda been a contender
yeah, i coulda been someone
instead of so painfully introspective

i'll play out my part

fuck it here are some lyrics

yeah right. i think i figured out my problem. i also get acutely embarrassed when i have to do anything that people can ciriticise me for. especially if it means something to me and i'm actually trying. hence being shit at music, never learning to play properly or sing, playing bass and probably being shit at writing too.

if you follow the shoreline
maybe one day you'll understand it
embedded in this excuse of reality
watch an alligator snap, watch the ash from your cigarette fall
sink to the floor
so far away

the party's over but they're still laughing
just laughing in the corner
i know they're always laughing
going throught the motions of another night
i hope i made the occasion
hope i receive the next invitiation

we'll pass on the street
talk now and then
play out our parts like they were written so long ago
anonymous as the day we first met

Its 2.41. its a wednesday night i think. yeah, it is. i've been playing my guitar for a couple of hours. I played a manchester orchestra song all the way through. It was easier than I thought it would be. i guess I'm getting better at guitar. gotta keep practicing though.

fuck i really wanted to write a blog but now i'm here it just isn't happening and i just want to go to bed. i wish i could get motivated. about anything. when did i stop caring? why did i stop caring?

hey, so it's been a while since my last post huh?

Well, a lot of shit has gone down.

We kicked the idiot out of the band. I don't remember why exactly, but it ended up being more tom and rich's idea than mine. In fact I was kinda shocked about it. December was definitely the worst time of my life. We weren't practicing, we weren't doing anything, none of us even spoke to each other. I couldn't even bring myself to talk t tom or rich. I hated it. I just moped around the house doing nothing and pissing my parents off. I had a bit of money and I remember one night I went out to a Blakfish show because the idiot had cancelled a show on the day of the show via text message 'because he was ill'. He might have been ill but it wasn't really the point, it was the final straw. I was so fucked off this day I went out to Subside after the Blakfish show with TOby Hook and Richard Lee and got fucking ridiculously wasted. It was legitimately rank. Got problems? Drink them all away. Had more problems when I woke up next to Emelia Eagles in Toby Hook's spare room. Had to walk home as well because some girl I had insulted the night before (about how I imagined living in Wishaw (some shitty little village) was pretty shit?) was taking everyone to Frankie & Bennie's and I wasn't invited. Fuck that. Had to buy smokes on the way home. You get the kind of night it was, right. Fortunately my parents were out when I got back, I must have looked like shit.

Anyway there were a couple more nights like that over December and eventually by January I decided something had to be done and I called Rich. We exchanged a few phone calls that day and evenutally we decided Joe should leave. I think it ended up with him suggesting it. He was pretty cool about it, although he sent me a snotty myspace message about it a couple of days later. I think he blames all our arguing for him having to leave. I don't think he really gets that tom and rich probably hated him more than I did, I guess we had always had that dynamic to our relationship. I don't know, it puts doubt in my mind but the fact they chose me over him, despite clearly being a much weaker musician meant a lot, and that he did deserve it. It still doesn't make me any less sad about what happened.

I mean when you're younger you think that being in a band is all having fun with your best friends travelling the world, playing your songs to people who love them. Well it isn't really like that. At least not yet, or in fact it won't be ever. Now don't get me wrong, I love it still the same, its just not how i expected. I don't know if I look at Tom and Rich and Joe as friends anymore, they are more like business parrtners. Or brothers. Like we all get along and they are probably my best friends, but its like a bond tht's so deep you can't explain it. People who have been in bands will know what I mean but for everyone else its hard to describe. You have to be around someoen ALL THE TIME when you play in a band with them, literally 24 hours day. You get to know each other pretty well, and start to piss each other off a lot. I read an interview with brand new once where they said people didn't get that about being in a band, and when someone pisses you off in that situation, its more about how YOU react to being pissed off, rather than the guy who did it. I think this was why Joe couldn't handle being in a band. He would be pissed off and complain all the time, and when everyone else can suck it down it just makes it intolerable. Someone asked me if I thought I'd ever see him again and I don't think I will. Even if I do I'm pretty certain we won't be friends. Once you've seen that side of a person I don't think you can go back. I mean its like Smit, its so weird when I see him now I just have nothing to say.
I guess in that respect its kinda like an army buddy.

I remember the day he left. at first I was really bummed out that it had actually come to this. I didn't want to be alone, so I went and checked out a new lockup with Sam Pillae. Then I picked up Amy because she wanted a ride home. Then we went and saw Ez - who was really gutted Joe had left the band - probably the one time ever that he'd asked me how he was doing which led to about a ten minute convo in the car. Then I went over to Skinny and Prews and hung otu with them. So I'd pretty much avoided thinking about it all the time. On the way back home amy didnt want to talk so I had to think about it. Then at Amy's we had to wait a while for her dad to go to bed, so I went out and did a piss at the side of the road and it was right then I realised how happy I was. It felt like I could do anything I wanted to. It was probably one of the happiest moments of my life when i finally realised I probably never had to see Joe again. Six years ago I don't think I could ever have imagined writing that sentence. In all honesty I can't believe its ended like this, but in all honesty I can't believe it lasted this long either.

BACK IN BLOGGING!!!

Wow, so it's a new blog. I had to move from my old one because too many people read it and it got me in to too much trouble. I plan not to tell ANYONE about this one. Maybe someone will find it, I doubt it though. I'll probably end up telling someone about it because i'll write something super entertaining and feel the need to share it. I could just post that in my old blog though. Although it would probably be offensive to someone and i'd get into trouble about it. Whatever, if anyone's reading this they're probably bored by now. I wanted to make a blog because I wanted to write down stuff about how I feel so I remember it. I didn't want to write a diary though because I prefer typing. And i didn't just want to have a word document because well, that's just kind of stupid. At least SOMEONE might read this, somewhere and maybe it will achieve something.

OK. so right now I hate my life and I don't even know where to start. Well I do kinda, its with this guy, let's call him the idiot. This guy used to be one of my best friends, about 6 years ago say. Now I can't stand him, hanging out with him makes me want to constantly punch him in the face. I have to be in a band with him though. I HAVE TO BE IN A BAND WITH HIM. There is no if, buts or maybes about that. Since I was 15 I always wanted to be in a band. ALWAYS. It is the one thing I've always wanted to do with my life. ALWAYS. I have spent the better part of six years being in a band that has got bigger and bigger, practically on the verge of doing it for a career, which is what I've always wanted.

But I have to do this with one of the most annoying/selifsh people I have ever met. And I don't know if I can take it anymore. I could write down everything but it would take the rest of my life. If I don't have a band though I don't have anything, my whole life will be void and all my principles destroyed and i'll just become another grunt and wish I had the balls to kill myself.

I say to myself I've always been this negative but have I? It seems that way but there must have been something to make me this way. But i don't know what or when it was. I wish I could be normal and just have a shitty job and a house and a dog and a girlfriend who i cheat on and a coke habit that is getting out of control. I need to do something important with my life. I thought it was the band. Maybe it still is, but I wish I didn't have to question it constantly because of how much of a fucktard one person is.